Mindful Minion

Before I begin, I should probably say this:

I’m a Buddhist.

So naturally, the way I look at life is heavily influenced by Buddhist ideas such as karma, causes and conditions, merit, impermanence, and the belief that many things unfold according to forces far larger than our individual desires.

You don’t have to agree with any of this.

You don’t even have to believe in karma, destiny, past lives, or spirituality.

But this perspective has brought me a tremendous amount of peace over the years, and perhaps some part of it may resonate with you too.

One of the greatest sources of suffering in life is the belief that everything depends on us.

That if we worry hard enough, work hard enough, push hard enough, remind people often enough, sacrifice enough of ourselves, and carry enough responsibility, somehow life will finally unfold exactly the way we want it to.

The older I get, however, the less convinced I am that life works that way.

Because when I look around, I see something else.

I see people who seem to receive extraordinary blessings with surprisingly little effort.

I see people who work unbelievably hard and still struggle.

I see people who meet the love of their life by accident.

I see others who search for years and never find what they’re looking for.

I see careers that take off unexpectedly.

I see opportunities that arrive out of nowhere.

I see doors opening effortlessly for some people and refusing to open for others no matter how hard they push.

At some point, it becomes difficult to believe that effort alone explains everything.

Not Everything Is Earned Through Effort Alone

Now, before anyone misunderstands me, I am not saying effort doesn’t matter.

Of course it does.

Effort matters.

Discipline matters.

Responsibility matters.

Good decisions matter.

But effort is not the entire story.

If it were, the hardest-working people would always be the most successful.

The kindest people would always be the most loved.

The most deserving people would always get the opportunities they deserve.

And life simply doesn’t work that way.

Some people seem to encounter helpful mentors at exactly the right moment.

Some people find themselves surrounded by loyal friends.

Some people consistently make decisions that somehow align perfectly with future opportunities.

Others seem to run into obstacle after obstacle no matter how hard they try.

As a Buddhist, I view these things through the lens of karma, causes and conditions, and the accumulation of merit across lifetimes.

Someone else may call it luck.

Someone else may call it destiny.

Someone else may call it probability.

The label doesn’t matter much.

The observation remains the same:

Not everything belongs entirely to our control.

Stop Carrying Everyone Else’s Fate On Your Shoulders

One of the biggest mistakes I see people make, including myself, is believing we are personally responsible for everyone’s future.

We think if we remind people enough, they will change.

If we worry enough, disaster will be prevented.

If we pressure people enough, they will make better choices.

If we carry enough anxiety, somehow we are helping.

But are we?

How many times have we exhausted ourselves trying to save people who weren’t ready to be saved?

How many times have we lost sleep worrying about situations that eventually unfolded exactly as they were always going to unfold?

How many times have we convinced ourselves that everything depends on us?

The reality is that every person is living out their own journey.

Their own lessons.

Their own karma.

Their own causes and conditions.

That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t care.

It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t help.

It simply means we should stop imagining that we control outcomes we were never meant to control.

Because that belief creates endless anxiety.

And anxiety is a very heavy burden to carry.

If It’s Yours, It Will Find You

One of the most comforting beliefs I hold is this:

What is meant for you will eventually find its way to you.

And what is not meant for you will never truly belong to you.

Again, this isn’t an excuse to sit around and do nothing.

You still have to show up.

You still have to try.

You still have to participate in your own life.

But after you’ve done your part, there comes a point where you have to let go.

You have to stop gripping the steering wheel so tightly.

You have to stop forcing outcomes.

You have to stop treating every desire as an emergency.

Because some things arrive effortlessly.

And some things never arrive at all.

Think about the people in your life.

There are probably people who adore you even though you’ve done nothing particularly extraordinary to earn it.

There are probably people who dislike you despite the fact that you’ve never wronged them.

Why?

Who knows.

Sometimes there are forces at work that cannot be explained through effort alone.

The same applies to opportunities, relationships, recognition, success, and countless other things.

Some things are yours.

Some things are not.

And often, life becomes much lighter once we stop trying to wrestle every outcome into existence.

Even Life And Death Have Their Own Timing

One area where this perspective has brought me enormous peace is around sickness, aging, and death.

Most of us spend a great deal of time worrying about these things.

We worry about our own health.

We worry about our parents.

We worry about our loved ones.

We worry about losing people.

And while those worries are understandable, I often ask myself:

What exactly is all that worrying accomplishing?

If something can be prevented through practical action, then by all means take the action.

Go to the doctor.

Take care of your health.

Exercise.

Get enough sleep.

Do what is within your control.

But once you’ve done that, what remains?

Worry?

Panic?

Obsession?

None of those things change reality.

They only make us suffer before suffering is even necessary.

As Buddhists often remind ourselves, if there is birth, there will eventually be death.

That is not pessimism.

That is simply the nature of existence.

And strangely enough, accepting this reality often makes life feel more precious rather than less.

Maybe You Were Never Meant To Have Everything

One of the most liberating realizations I’ve had is that nobody gets everything.

Nobody.

Every life contains gains and losses.

Every life contains blessings and disappointments.

Every life contains things that come easily and things that never come at all.

Some people are blessed with loving families.

Others are blessed with meaningful careers.

Some have good health.

Others have creativity.

Some have financial abundance.

Others have deep friendships.

Nobody receives every possible gift.

And nobody leaves empty-handed either.

We all receive something.

We all lose something.

That’s simply part of being human.

There have been many things in my own life that came surprisingly easily.

Sometimes I even felt undeserving of them.

And there have also been things I wanted desperately.

Things I hoped for.

Prayed for.

Dreamed about.

Things I worked toward for years.

And still, they never arrived.

The older I get, the more I realize that life is like that for everyone.

Nobody gets all the things they want.

And nobody is deprived of every blessing.

There Are Billions Of People Living This Life With You

For a long time, I placed enormous pressure on myself.

I felt like I needed to accomplish more.

Become more.

Achieve more.

Be more successful.

Be more impressive.

Be more everything.

But lately, I’ve been finding comfort in a very different thought.

Maybe I don’t need to be everything.

Maybe nobody does.

Maybe that’s why there are billions of us.

If I’m not an athlete, that’s okay.

There are already millions of athletes.

If I’m not a famous entrepreneur, that’s okay.

There are already countless entrepreneurs.

If I never become extraordinarily wealthy, that’s okay.

The world already has wealthy people.

If I never become famous, that’s okay too.

The world has plenty of famous people.

If I never have the perfect marriage, the perfect career, or the perfect life, perhaps that’s okay too.

Humanity does not depend on me personally succeeding at everything.

Someone else is already carrying those roles.

And I am carrying mine.

We are all participating in the same story from different positions.

No one person has to do everything.

No one person has to be everything.

No one person has to carry the entire weight of human achievement on their shoulders.

When I think about life this way, I feel lighter.

I feel more humble.

I feel less competitive.

I feel less pressure to prove myself.

And strangely enough, I feel more connected to everyone else.

Because we’re all contributing something.

Even if that contribution looks different from person to person.

The Peace Of Surrender

Perhaps that is why belief in karma and destiny has never made me feel passive.

It has made me feel peaceful.

I still work hard.

I still try my best.

I still make plans.

I still pursue goals.

But I no longer believe every outcome is my responsibility.

I no longer believe every disappointment is proof that I failed.

I no longer believe every closed door is something I must force open.

Sometimes the door opens.

Sometimes it doesn’t.

Sometimes life gives.

Sometimes life takes away.

And perhaps wisdom is learning to participate fully while holding everything a little more lightly.

To make an effort without becoming attached.

To care without becoming obsessed.

To hope without becoming desperate.

To live without constantly fighting reality.

Because maybe the universe doesn’t need us to control everything.

Maybe it only asks us to play our part.

To do our best.

To accept what comes.

And to trust that whatever is truly meant for us will find us when the time is right.

Until then, perhaps we can relax our grip a little.

And let life do what life has always done.